My Mom is Getting Married, I Didnt Get Invited.

This past week has been one of the most stressful, dramatic, and emotional weeks of my life. I have been trying to write this post for the past few days, but just havent been able to find the right things to say, to express how I feel. So here it goes.

As you might have seen from my title, I recently had a life altering experience just happen to me. I was shopping, as usual, when I got a call from my Mother. I used to speak to my mother everyday almost to keep in contact and to talk. She knew me better than anyone else and still probably does today. This talk was a bit different. Seeing as my mother was coming to visit me in a matter of days, I was still trying to help sort out arrangements and what was going to happen. However, my comfortable conversation turned into the start of something I wasnt expecting.

My mother informed me that she was getting married. If I would have been driving I probably would have wrecked. If I was eating I probably would have choked. All I could do was stay silent, as my mother told me what she was doing. Of course, this was the first time that I had even heard she was in a relationship or that she was even dating someone. For some reason, I always seem to miss out on stuff with my family. Anyway, trying to gain all the composure I had, I quickly made an excuse to end the call and tried to pretend I was not bothered.

As I tried go through the rest of the days, I sobbed, I was angry, hurt, I prayed and I tried to process what I had actually just heard. I spoke to my friends, listened to their opinions and tried to allow myself to understand. But to no avail.

I avoided my Mother and calling her for the next two days, until finally I had to speak to her because she was coming the next day to visit. I never mentioned the conversation we had, how I felt or what was going through my head.

The day arrived. I thought I had myself under control. My friend and I had to go pick her up from the airport. It is always good seeing my Mom, we did some more shopping and then started back to my home. During our community conversation, she started mentioning the honeymoon she was taking, stuff that her beau did with his life, some stories about My father and what was to come with her life. Again, the feelings felt before came up, I shut down, silently I sat in the back seat. Wishing that I could just get away from the situation at hand and leave.

The weekend passed by, finally the inevitable conversation about the marriage came up again. This time we were alone, I was able to voice my opinion. As I said what I was feeling, my mother cried. However, it finally felt good to be able to say what I was feeling. My opinion didnt matter, because she had already made her mind up. But it was good to be able to say it out loud so I could hear what I was feeling. Finally, we both sat there in silence for about 10 minutes. At that point I realized, that this was the turning point in my Mother/Son relationship. It no longer would be the same.

My best friend also just met a new girl. He has fallen head over heels with her. It has been less than a week, however you would think that they were dating for years. I am not saying this is a bad thing. It is very sudden and soon, but when someone comes along and you just click, then you cant really hold back.

With work schedules and time management, they arent able to be around each other too much, so when they are, its a very physical relationship. If you know my past, then you understand I am not a very touchy feely type of guy. I like being in a relationship, but I am definitely not one who is good with pubic displays of affection or anything along those lines. These guys are okay with it. Now there is nothing wrong with it, and I am not calling anyone out on this, I merely need this to tie into the point I am proving. I know my friend. I know his heart. I know his standard. I love him. But, this relationship has caused stress in my head.

After evaluating myself, the week I just had and my life. I am pretty sure I know the reasons why I was stressed, and how my Mothers situation has tied in.

I am a man that likes patterns. I like having a groove, a schedule and maintained lifestyle. I enjoy being around people I love, in any situation. I am definitely a creature of habit. I do not like change. Yeah, crazy to believe, but I hate it. I like to have loyal friendships and solid relationships. I can hang out with my friends for hours and hours everyday and not get sick of it. When I am with people I care about, then I do not worry about what is going on in the my life.

I have had a great pattern of this for the past months, then within one week it all started falling apart. My stress level went through the roof, my emotions took toll and I have felt so alone and lost. My life changed within a matter of days. Thing that used to be comfortable, now changed to awkwardness. Jealousy set in. Calls to my Mother do not happen. Really being happy with my friend seems mediocre. I try to figure out why I look at life like this, and I just cant seem to put my finger on it.

Two of the most amazing people in my life are entering into relationships, which make them happy. The jealousy I feel makes me unhappy. I am not jealous of their relationships...... I guess I am jealous, that I may not be as important in their lives as I once was. Thats what scares me the most.

I hope time will help me.

We all change, life changes. I really dont think there is anything that we can do to prepare for it. The only thing that we can do is expect it.

I really love them both. Sometimes we just need to pull away. That is where we can find our true feelings.

Answered Prayers from the Wrong Guy

Growing up I was definitely not the best looking person. Well at least I thought so, ask my mother and she would say I was the cutest baby and then........well then I grew up. Its understandable, I mean, there are very few unattractive babies in the world. Most of them have their own center of cuteness or at least love-able qualities that we like. But all in all, I was a cute baby, then hit puberty and then wires went crazy I suppose. I suffered from a low self esteem mind and started becoming an over weight teenager. Acne hit then hit me, hair came from places that I did not even know I had and being surrounded by women in my house just made things even more awkward. I guess everyone goes through this stage and they feel the same ways I did. But I never saw myself being anything but what I was at that time. I would crave to be one of the cool kids or like a movie star that was attractive and desired. I yearned to have a beautiful physic and all the style in the world. I prayed to be a good looking person, that had everything that good looking people had. But it seemed like it never would happen.

As I got older, slowly those desires just started to change. I started just being okay with who I was. I started losing weight, my acne scars slowly started peeling away and with that my self esteem started to rise. I was feeling better about myself. I started to feel hopeful for the future. Eventually I learned that it was okay to be different or unique, it was finally freedom.

For the past 4-5 years I have been in the modeling industry. I have worked for many agencies as a runway and print model. It is something that I never thought would happen. Thinking back on it now, I would have laughed. But it happened. Of course there are a lot of details in between the years to get me where I am now. But thats not what this topic is supposed to be about. This is about a prayer that I once had that I would have in my heart all the time. I wanted to make it in the world. I wanted to be in the spotlight. I wanted to be a calendar model, I wanted to have my own printed ads broadcasted everywhere. I wanted it all. Then it happened.

I was at work when I received an email from the owner of "Mormon Missionaries" calendar. For those of you who do not know what this is, it is basically a calendar that shows models who were once Mormon missionaries in a more sexual way. It has been published for the past 3 years and is a very popular calendar. It is something that I would have gotten paid a great deal of money on and would have launched another side of my modeling career to a new level. However, the drawback would have been an immediately dismissal from the LDS Church. Sadly, even I still questioned whether or not this would be something that I would like to do. It was probably the carnal man that wanted to do it, but it was the internal struggle with myself that really troubled me.

I spoke with some of my best friends. I got their feedback. I learned and understood their views. I was shocked to see who thought it would be good idea and who didnt. But there was one friend that was so mortified and offended that I would consider the show, that it made me realize that I needed to evaluate my life. He opened up my spiritual eyes and helped me understand my future.

I turned the offer down.

A week later, the owner came back to me. He offered me the June page of the 2011 calendar, a larger sum of money that any other model, plus a 10% commission on every calendar sold. The estimated price of all of this would have been around $10-12k at the end of the year.

Thankfully, I had the strength again to, thank him for his time and turn the offer down.

This dream of having a calendar page came just like I prayed for. But maybe my answered prayer came from the wrong guy. Satan really will try everything to get you to do something that seems amazing, but in the end will be your destruction. I am so grateful for the place I am in with my life right now. I am grateful for a friend who opened up my eyes.

I can see my life in a better camera lense. Its a more eternal and promising shot.

Yeah, I am Adopted

Imagine a picture of a family, standing next to a home. This family consists of a father, mother, two brothers and three sisters. Each other them have beautiful brownish blonde hair, round faces and similar smiles. They are dressed in matching outfits, groomed to the best of their mothers ability, and all very aware of their fathers eyes monitoring them constantly. They have taken this picture before, so it seems like artwork as they line up and take their positions. Then you notice a small boy in the front, he has dark hair and olive skin. He does not match the rest of the family features but yet you just know that he belongs in that photo. That small boy was me.

Many of you know that I am adopted. But there are also many of you that do not know that about me. My mother used to introduce me as her "Ready-made" baby. This topic has been something that for most of my life has been extremely hard for me to discuss. To this day, I remember the feelings that I had when I found out, where I was and what occurred. I was about in the 4th grade, I was sitting in gym class. My brother was being a teachers aid or helping with something in the gym. My brother was the star athlete at our school, so of course I was more than proud that he was there. As I was sitting with my back against the wall, a girl slide next to me, this girl was in a higher grade than me. She was not any one that I normally would have spoken to, but for some reason that day she did. She slide over and proudly said, "Thats not your brother". Of course I was confused, a little defensive and then finally after she repeated it over and over I became upset. Who would say something like that? And who was this girl that would say these things to me? Flustered and confused, the final bell at school was my shining savior for the day. I went home still upset, where I found my mother. In tears I told her what had happened. Then the conversation that changed my life occurred.

I was adopted. To me, at such young age, I thought I was the biggest rejection ever known. It was such a feeling of sadness and emptiness. It was one of the worst feelings that I have ever known, and I hope to never be able to feel that again.

My mother never went into details and to this day, I do not know of my biological mother or father. My parents know who they are and I am also pretty sure that my brothers and sisters know. I probably should know, but the desire that most people would have seems to desert me. It just does not seem applicable to me in any way or form. My mother spoke to me about how I should think of the word, "adopted", as a special word. That it meant something so much better than what I was portraying it as. But as a young kid, it just did not seem to work. Years went by, I eventually hid my feelings in the past and never mentioned it to anyone. I would avoid the common questions of it like the plague. Constantly finding ways to get out of the people constant questions about me compared to my sisters. I became good at it. I graduated, left the small town that I grew up in and moved to North Texas. There I met the family that made me fully understand how important being adopted was.

Jane and Wallis Winegar were new move-ins to the town. They brought with them their family from California, it consisted of two boys and three girls. Each one of them looking completely different from the next. Soon I became friends with this family, learned of their life and how they came to be. They have all but one adopted child. They have fostered even more children that I can even remember them telling me of. Their lives have been dedicated to service in the church and their family. There, by following their example I learned that being a family is not about blood relation, but being grounded in love, honesty and respect for each other. I learned not to be ashamed of where I came from, but love the fact, that I was there at that moment, having a life with wonderful parents and a family.

From that point on being adopted was something that I was proud of. I came to the realization that I was given a chance at life. I realized that my life was great. I understood that me being where I was; was exactly what was supposed to happen. I was actually proud of my life's path.

Today I still feel the same. I still know just as little as I was told when I was in the 4th grade. It does not really matter to me though. Still people ask me, "Do you ever want to find your real parents". I use the same response in telling them, "Why? My life is so great, why would I want anything else?"

And really? How could I ask for anything better than what I was given?

"Because I have been given much, I too must give."

Yeah, I am adopted. Its wonderful.


To my biological mother, Thank you for making the choice to keep my life.

To Jane and Wallis, Thank you for showing me a family can take any form.

To my one true Mom, Thank you for making me the way I am.

The Bread Outlet

As I was driving home tonight, a memory of when I was younger hit me and the feelings of my youth all started coming back.
I turned down a very dark street. To me a short cut to my house, although many would go another route because the area that I was in contained old abandoned buildings and a multitude of rundown homes. Each home had at least one or two broken down cars in front of them. People were outside on their porches, neighbors were talking over their tin made fences and there were kids everywhere. These kids were probably the same ones who had broken the street lights that dotted the coming road. I had my windows rolled down, the cool breeze felt great inside my truck, the crisp air was a goodbye to the Winter and a much needed welcome to the Spring. By having my windows down I could hear the people talking to one another, the laughter from a weekend conversation and there were children screaming up and down the sidewalk. Up the road I could hear the train, it being so noisy that no one wanted to live anywhere near it, except for these people. Which was probably not their choice, but rather the only thing available for them. This neighborhood was poverty stricken. This neighborhood was frightening. This neighborhood was always avoided. This neighborhood reminded me of home.
As I continued to drive down this road, I reached the end of it where an aged building sat. This building had to have been 100 years old, but on it was a big sign with paint, peeling proudly the words, "The Bread Outlet". The vibrant red lettering it once had now turned to a light salmon color and the much needed overhaul of the sign in general just seemed to fade away as I matched the entire scene with character. For many of you who do not know, a bread outlet is like a bakery, but it contains all the expired breads products from the previous weeks that bakeries or stores did not want. These outlets then take the bread and resell it for a much cheaper price to the public. This is legal, do not worry. But the majority of our population would not purchase expired food. Unless they had to, as these people in this area did. Or as I remember my family doing.
I grew up in a small town called Imperial, Texas. The community had about 150 people in it. It literally is in the middle of nowhere and the nearest town that would sell groceries is about 60 miles away. It is a town, where as my mother would say "if you blink, you miss it". And trust me, many people have blinked and missed it. It was an oil town, which once created large job opportunities, however, since the oil rush slowed to stopped, there isn't much left besides agriculture and farming. My father once owned a growing and thriving oil field business. This company brought many jobs and people to the town. My father was a business man, but under that very thin front, he was the most charitable person I knew. I remember on numerous times, people telling me stories of how my father helped them financially or how he brought them into our home when they didn't have food to eat. I remember stories about him never thinking twice about giving all he could to help another person. He was more of a friend than a company owner. Sadly due to financial difficulty of the market it went bankrupt after years of solid business. Everyone was out a job, many people left the town and tried to find success somewhere else. Except my parents. They were hit the worst. My family lost everything. They lost their cars, trucks, work vehicles, large oil machines, furniture, beds, toys and even their house. My parents had to take and hide things from the collectors so that they wouldn't take everything they owned. It was a very trying time. Thankfully my grandfather was financially able to save my parents home and a few other things to keep them on track. Years passed and my father was able to become stable enough to get by. Having a large family does take its toll, however it never slowed down my parents. They were both entrepunuors (sp) working to see what they could do next to help our family. When I was close to being in Preschool, my parents opened a catering business. It was an amazing BBQ joint with a great atmosphere and wonderful food. On many occasions I would be able to go with my father and pick up the needed products for the BBQ Place. We would always go to a Bread factory in the town where the shop was and pick up the buns for the week. My job was to count the bread we needed and make sure we had enough. I would always get my paper and pen ready and scribble something down, like it was important. Being so young, I knew how to count, so it was a perfect job for me. However, every time we would go in, we would come out with 4-5 extra loaves of bread or something. I would count and recount to make sure I had it right. Then I would ask my father if I had it wrong. But I never did. Then I would ride with my father as he would casual drive to certain homes and drop of a loaf of bread here or a pie here at another persons home. I never knew these people, and to this day I will never know. But I would watch him take these items to them, and the look on their faces or the pure excitement to see an old friend is something that I never have forgotten.
Again, cards turned and my family shut down the business. We were poor again. We lived in a poverty stricken town. My parents struggled to make ends meet. But I never knew that. My parents made sure that my brothers and sisters were taken care of. We had durable clothes, plenty to eat and a roof over our heads. I went to a little school, had great friends and never knew I was considered in the lower class of society. Even though we were going through all of this, it never stopped my parents. All of my childhood, I remember someone living with my family. Whether it be for a night or a year, there was always someone new needing a place to stay. My parents never turned anyone away, their motto was "There is always room for one more". It wouldn't matter if they were black, white, smelt bad or had a horrible reputation. Our home was always welcome to anyone. Dinner was a free for all, if you were in the house or a block in radius you were going to eat....and somehow there was always enough.
Years have passed. I graduated, moved away, found a career and have been very blessed financially and with my life. Most people would not even think that I was from a remote Texas town or raised in the financial situation I was. I have always been embarrassed of my upbringing. I still have a hard time telling people where I am from or what life was like for me growing up. I maybe visit once a year. But as I get older, I am starting to realize that I have found the greatest lessons of love and charity from a little poverty stricken town. From two people who did not have a lot to give, but gave all they had. From a father who taught me that love and charity would last longer than money. And a mother who still lives in the same house I grew up in, who still is as poor as ever, but the happiest woman I know.

Sex is Sex is Sex.

I told you it would be controversial.....haha
For many of you this is like preaching to the choir. But even the choir needs a little teaching too. Here in Utah for some reason, this does not seem to click well with the people. I dont know....maybe its the water?? But Sex is Sex is Sex. No matter what way it happens, no matter who it is with or what you do, its still sex. I dont think I need to go into detail, because Im sure we all can think of things that this entails. I just want to make sure I am thinking correctly, because if Im totally wrong.......Man Ive got a lot of living still to do. Sex is sex is sex no matter if its oral, vaginal, masturbatory or any other forms. It still is in the same category. They all go hand in hand. (metaphorically of course). If you are LDS, then you know that its not the best or recommended before marriage. Being in a relationship sealed by marriage it is what is taught and prepared for each individual in our church. I am definitely not saying that I am high above the standard or that I have always lived a perfect lifestyle, but I can say that I know that sex is sex is sex. I understand the consequences of my actions and I understand how I can fix those particular mistakes that I have made.
I think my biggest peeve would be that many individuals try to justify themselves for what sexual actions they make. They justify what they have done in order to.... make themselves feel better??? Whatever the case, I believe they are just lying to themselves. I notice here in Utah that seems to happen a lot. Maybe because we are in the largest LDS community around, it just happens. Why arent we owning up to it? Im not telling people to go confess your sins to everyone, but do not try to justify your sexual actions with a "slip" or a "moment of weakness" that you can say a quick prayer and be done with. Thats just not how it works. Because you will probably do it again and again.
Just admit that sex is sex is sex. Thats all. I can. Its pretty easy.
What do you think?
In the end, again I will say I am far from perfect. I do a lot of things wrong, and will take the heat for any injustice that I have caused. But I will never agree to there being levels of sex. One sexual action is just as bad as another. There cant be higher ones than another, they dont have rankings, no status changes. Sex is sex is sex.

Day to Day

I have a pretty easy schedule. I wake up. I go to work. (lately I go to play practice after). Then I go home. Then go to bed. Its pretty simple. I work for Apply Knowledge Institute, where I help people make money online, help reputation management, I work on Facebook, Twitter, and other Social Networking sites. Im a closet nerd. I hate to admit it, but thats what I am. Im always on the computer.......like always. So if your wondering if I was a facebook stalker, I totally am. But just because I get paid to do it. So its okay. I have an easy job, mainly because I know what to do and I am good at it.....and I kind of like it.
I live in a house with three other guys, it is Myself, Steve aka Beaver, McKay and another roomate named Nate. Beaver and myself have lived together for the longest. We used to live together before and after I went to culinary school. I think he is the only roomate that I have always pretty much always gotten along with. We live together, we work right next to each other in our office and we own www.designmyheader.com together. We are good friends. He is definitely one of my best friends. So he probably will get a lot of crap from me on here. Its just bound to happen.
We all get along together in the house. We are not really home together that often, mainly due to our different work schedules and our social lives afterward tends to keep us away. But we try to do things together. I like living with other people. But lately Ive been feeling pretty crowded so you never know what I might do next.
That is my living situation. I like it for now. Which for me to actually like something is big.

Here we go....its going to be big

So, here we go. I suppose that the best thing to do is really tell about myself a bit more and kind of give a good preface of who I am. I am currently 24 years old, I was born to February 14th, 1986. It is Valentines day, so I tend to think that is why I am so sweet. :) I am adopted, which many people do not know. I have a great parents Melvin and Lynda Williams, and I also have a great list of siblings and extended family. I tend to be a rebel when it comes to my family. I am definitely the only one in my family that has democratic views, liberal thinking and enough clothes to keep a family of eskimos warm. I like to move a lot so you really never know where you will find me next. My resume is quite extensive, I have experience in Modeling, French Cooking, I am a co-owner of an online business, and I am currently pursuing a musical theater side of my life. So I do have a wide variety of different attributes that I try to use.
The main reason for writing this blog is really so that I can express topics of interest to others, I like to make people laugh so I hope that I can be entertaining in some aspect. I really like to talk about controversial topics and find why people do what they do. I definitely do not think that I am special in any way, or that I am better than anyone. I just like expressing what everyone is thinking but just afraid to say. I am wrong a lot of times. But thats okay.
So that is about it. If you have anything you want me to talk about, just let me know. This could be entertaining. I love comments good or bad. So just let me know.

Other than that, be ready......because Its Going To Be A Movie.