On Second Thought..........Lets scratch that last post.
Ive decided to change my mind.
Which I have the right to do. Shhheeesshh Its my blog, and my life......
Being Miserable is Going to Be Fun.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I'm Too Young To Date.
I was sitting in church and the speaker started to speak about dating. During his talk he said, "I want all those who are old enough to date, to listen". Then it hit me.
I am definitely not old enough to date.
Some would say that being 24 years old is plenty old enough to date or that I am just trying to find some sort of excuse for not dating at the moment. (and by "Some", I am referring to all you kids who are married and are saying this) But I really dont think I am old enough. I try to think about having a relationship and the realize how much pressure that it will bring into my life. Then I start thinking about how stressed I would be if I had all this pressure of being a perfect boyfriend, then I start thinking about a mix between how much tire pressure is in my truck tires, how much it would cost to replace them and then that finally leads to the cost a girlfriend would ensue......Thats enough to give me an ulcer. So clearly I am not old enough to date.
I think one day though I will be ready. Maybe when I am not so selfish, or maybe Ill get lonely.
I think maybe even one day Ill grow up.............no promises.
Im just not old enough to date.
I am definitely not old enough to date.
Some would say that being 24 years old is plenty old enough to date or that I am just trying to find some sort of excuse for not dating at the moment. (and by "Some", I am referring to all you kids who are married and are saying this) But I really dont think I am old enough. I try to think about having a relationship and the realize how much pressure that it will bring into my life. Then I start thinking about how stressed I would be if I had all this pressure of being a perfect boyfriend, then I start thinking about a mix between how much tire pressure is in my truck tires, how much it would cost to replace them and then that finally leads to the cost a girlfriend would ensue......Thats enough to give me an ulcer. So clearly I am not old enough to date.
I think one day though I will be ready. Maybe when I am not so selfish, or maybe Ill get lonely.
I think maybe even one day Ill grow up.............no promises.
Im just not old enough to date.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Im reading again.....look out
I am not the biggest reader. I would much rather watch TV instead of reading a book. Its a waste of reading ability really, but I am not really too bothered.
However when I do find something to read I can hardly put it down. And I have found something that is just amazing! I am a bit of a freak when it come to my reading abilities. My favorite type of books to read are biographies. Any type really, I love reading about peoples life and the situations they get into and what they do to get out of them. I am currently reading EAT, PRAY, LOVE. You might have seen the trailers for the movie coming out with Julia Roberts. But let me tell you the book is unbelievable. Definitely read it first! I am barely on chapter 20 but its the writing is awesome. I know it may sound like a girly book, but the reason that I cant get enough of this book is because the author is such a vulnerable writer. Like myself. She writes about how she feels and the opinions that she has came to the conclusion to. I love it.
So nothing too amazing, just wanted to tell you all what I was reading and that you must must must read this book.
However when I do find something to read I can hardly put it down. And I have found something that is just amazing! I am a bit of a freak when it come to my reading abilities. My favorite type of books to read are biographies. Any type really, I love reading about peoples life and the situations they get into and what they do to get out of them. I am currently reading EAT, PRAY, LOVE. You might have seen the trailers for the movie coming out with Julia Roberts. But let me tell you the book is unbelievable. Definitely read it first! I am barely on chapter 20 but its the writing is awesome. I know it may sound like a girly book, but the reason that I cant get enough of this book is because the author is such a vulnerable writer. Like myself. She writes about how she feels and the opinions that she has came to the conclusion to. I love it.
So nothing too amazing, just wanted to tell you all what I was reading and that you must must must read this book.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Grandmother
Recently my Grandmother passed away. Actually 4 days ago she passed away. As I started thinking about the life she led and the family that she raised I could not help but smile at the wonderful memories that I had of her. Some of the best memories that I had of my childhood occurred while at my Grandmothers house.
As children for Christmas Eve we would be boarded up in her library with blankets and pillows, a little space heater would be plugged in to heat up the room. I would lie on the floor and could hardly contain myself as I waited for Santa to come. The smell of the burning dust on the heater, the feel of her brown carpet, the snoring of my sisters next to me was something I looked forward to every year. Many years have passed but, these memories will be something that will be forever in my mind and heart. It really made Christmas.
The greatest advice that I have ever been given was from my Grandmother. I was young, probably barely 7 years old. My grandmother was watching me at her house as my mom ran errands in a nearby town. I had my sister electric keyboard and was carrying it around her house playing the "demo" track that came with it, then pretending that I was playing the actual cords I would go prancing around the house. I am sure my grandmother was sick of the "demo" song by time 15, but she never said anything. I thought I had my grandmother fooled into believing I was actually playing the piano like a professional so I told her, "Grandmother, I'm just kidding. Its not really me playing!"
Then she turned to me and said, "I know, but you felt like you were playing the best for me and that's all that matters." then she continued, "Someday when your older, you will be able to do anything you want. But instead of being the best for me, play the best for you."
My grandmother was an amazing women. She raised an amazing family. Sadly I couldn't attend the funeral due to rehearsal and shows this week. I know however that my grandmother was ready to go home. Being reunited with her husband after 25+ years of being away. I hope that heaven is ready, there is a lot of gardening to do.
I now walk on the stage every night. Every night I will be the best for myself and always a little for her. I will miss you Grandmother.
As children for Christmas Eve we would be boarded up in her library with blankets and pillows, a little space heater would be plugged in to heat up the room. I would lie on the floor and could hardly contain myself as I waited for Santa to come. The smell of the burning dust on the heater, the feel of her brown carpet, the snoring of my sisters next to me was something I looked forward to every year. Many years have passed but, these memories will be something that will be forever in my mind and heart. It really made Christmas.
The greatest advice that I have ever been given was from my Grandmother. I was young, probably barely 7 years old. My grandmother was watching me at her house as my mom ran errands in a nearby town. I had my sister electric keyboard and was carrying it around her house playing the "demo" track that came with it, then pretending that I was playing the actual cords I would go prancing around the house. I am sure my grandmother was sick of the "demo" song by time 15, but she never said anything. I thought I had my grandmother fooled into believing I was actually playing the piano like a professional so I told her, "Grandmother, I'm just kidding. Its not really me playing!"
Then she turned to me and said, "I know, but you felt like you were playing the best for me and that's all that matters." then she continued, "Someday when your older, you will be able to do anything you want. But instead of being the best for me, play the best for you."
My grandmother was an amazing women. She raised an amazing family. Sadly I couldn't attend the funeral due to rehearsal and shows this week. I know however that my grandmother was ready to go home. Being reunited with her husband after 25+ years of being away. I hope that heaven is ready, there is a lot of gardening to do.
I now walk on the stage every night. Every night I will be the best for myself and always a little for her. I will miss you Grandmother.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Life in General
I think the best thing about life is that you can never really plan for it. When I see people who have their lives planned out to the letter and "know" whats going to happen next, I usually feel a bit jealous. Then I just end up laughing. I tend to say, "Want to hear God laugh?....Tell him your plans."
Many who know me, definitely know that I do not walk to the same drum as most people. I usually have about 5-10 different places that I am moving to next, I definitely have random goals of meeting Lady Gaga, becoming famous and being the most interesting man in the world. But even those change depending on how I am feeling or what I had for breakfast.
Even though I may be pretty washy on what I want the future has in store for me. I feel that I am pretty consistent on one thing. I usually do not make logical choices.......and I love it. Everyone knows those scary movies when the people are running from the killer or bad guy and they always end up coming to a fork in the road and the run down the least lighted street. Or they run into the dark abandoned butcher shop......yeah that's me. Of course people are yelling at the TV screen, "What are you doing?!?!?!" "Dont go there!!!".
To those people I ask, "Why not?" And trust me, I have had my share of people yelling at me like I am a crazy person.
I am really grateful that I have had the chance to take risks in my life. Even though it may not be a life or death risk, it still is a risk to me and my future. I made a quick decision right out of high school to abandon college, that led me to going on a mission sooner. I took a risk and moved to Utah, there with nothing and no one I was able to find my career. I then took another risk and jumped into culinary school, then took another leap back into my career. Every hop, skip and jump that I have made was not very logical. But it made sense to me, it tasted good and I felt the desire to do it. Nothing really could stop me from doing it.
Of course there are consequences. I am not saying that living life with such a carefree attitude is easy. I have a beautiful student loan out as well as trail of friends that I have left behind. I really dont have a "home". Its a bit overwhelming when I think of how I have been in the past 5 years, but I have yet to regret any choice that I have made.
I think the main point that I am trying to get across is: "Dont be afraid of taking a risk. Even though it may seem like the most illogical thing to do, listen to your own mind, plan your day the morning you wake up and if it tastes good, just take a bite."
That is probably what I would want people to remember me by, someone who wasnt afraid to make a choice.
Many who know me, definitely know that I do not walk to the same drum as most people. I usually have about 5-10 different places that I am moving to next, I definitely have random goals of meeting Lady Gaga, becoming famous and being the most interesting man in the world. But even those change depending on how I am feeling or what I had for breakfast.
Even though I may be pretty washy on what I want the future has in store for me. I feel that I am pretty consistent on one thing. I usually do not make logical choices.......and I love it. Everyone knows those scary movies when the people are running from the killer or bad guy and they always end up coming to a fork in the road and the run down the least lighted street. Or they run into the dark abandoned butcher shop......yeah that's me. Of course people are yelling at the TV screen, "What are you doing?!?!?!" "Dont go there!!!".
To those people I ask, "Why not?" And trust me, I have had my share of people yelling at me like I am a crazy person.
I am really grateful that I have had the chance to take risks in my life. Even though it may not be a life or death risk, it still is a risk to me and my future. I made a quick decision right out of high school to abandon college, that led me to going on a mission sooner. I took a risk and moved to Utah, there with nothing and no one I was able to find my career. I then took another risk and jumped into culinary school, then took another leap back into my career. Every hop, skip and jump that I have made was not very logical. But it made sense to me, it tasted good and I felt the desire to do it. Nothing really could stop me from doing it.
Of course there are consequences. I am not saying that living life with such a carefree attitude is easy. I have a beautiful student loan out as well as trail of friends that I have left behind. I really dont have a "home". Its a bit overwhelming when I think of how I have been in the past 5 years, but I have yet to regret any choice that I have made.
I think the main point that I am trying to get across is: "Dont be afraid of taking a risk. Even though it may seem like the most illogical thing to do, listen to your own mind, plan your day the morning you wake up and if it tastes good, just take a bite."
That is probably what I would want people to remember me by, someone who wasnt afraid to make a choice.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
My Mom is Getting Married, I Didnt Get Invited.
This past week has been one of the most stressful, dramatic, and emotional weeks of my life. I have been trying to write this post for the past few days, but just havent been able to find the right things to say, to express how I feel. So here it goes.
As you might have seen from my title, I recently had a life altering experience just happen to me. I was shopping, as usual, when I got a call from my Mother. I used to speak to my mother everyday almost to keep in contact and to talk. She knew me better than anyone else and still probably does today. This talk was a bit different. Seeing as my mother was coming to visit me in a matter of days, I was still trying to help sort out arrangements and what was going to happen. However, my comfortable conversation turned into the start of something I wasnt expecting.
My mother informed me that she was getting married. If I would have been driving I probably would have wrecked. If I was eating I probably would have choked. All I could do was stay silent, as my mother told me what she was doing. Of course, this was the first time that I had even heard she was in a relationship or that she was even dating someone. For some reason, I always seem to miss out on stuff with my family. Anyway, trying to gain all the composure I had, I quickly made an excuse to end the call and tried to pretend I was not bothered.
As I tried go through the rest of the days, I sobbed, I was angry, hurt, I prayed and I tried to process what I had actually just heard. I spoke to my friends, listened to their opinions and tried to allow myself to understand. But to no avail.
I avoided my Mother and calling her for the next two days, until finally I had to speak to her because she was coming the next day to visit. I never mentioned the conversation we had, how I felt or what was going through my head.
The day arrived. I thought I had myself under control. My friend and I had to go pick her up from the airport. It is always good seeing my Mom, we did some more shopping and then started back to my home. During our community conversation, she started mentioning the honeymoon she was taking, stuff that her beau did with his life, some stories about My father and what was to come with her life. Again, the feelings felt before came up, I shut down, silently I sat in the back seat. Wishing that I could just get away from the situation at hand and leave.
The weekend passed by, finally the inevitable conversation about the marriage came up again. This time we were alone, I was able to voice my opinion. As I said what I was feeling, my mother cried. However, it finally felt good to be able to say what I was feeling. My opinion didnt matter, because she had already made her mind up. But it was good to be able to say it out loud so I could hear what I was feeling. Finally, we both sat there in silence for about 10 minutes. At that point I realized, that this was the turning point in my Mother/Son relationship. It no longer would be the same.
My best friend also just met a new girl. He has fallen head over heels with her. It has been less than a week, however you would think that they were dating for years. I am not saying this is a bad thing. It is very sudden and soon, but when someone comes along and you just click, then you cant really hold back.
With work schedules and time management, they arent able to be around each other too much, so when they are, its a very physical relationship. If you know my past, then you understand I am not a very touchy feely type of guy. I like being in a relationship, but I am definitely not one who is good with pubic displays of affection or anything along those lines. These guys are okay with it. Now there is nothing wrong with it, and I am not calling anyone out on this, I merely need this to tie into the point I am proving. I know my friend. I know his heart. I know his standard. I love him. But, this relationship has caused stress in my head.
After evaluating myself, the week I just had and my life. I am pretty sure I know the reasons why I was stressed, and how my Mothers situation has tied in.
I am a man that likes patterns. I like having a groove, a schedule and maintained lifestyle. I enjoy being around people I love, in any situation. I am definitely a creature of habit. I do not like change. Yeah, crazy to believe, but I hate it. I like to have loyal friendships and solid relationships. I can hang out with my friends for hours and hours everyday and not get sick of it. When I am with people I care about, then I do not worry about what is going on in the my life.
I have had a great pattern of this for the past months, then within one week it all started falling apart. My stress level went through the roof, my emotions took toll and I have felt so alone and lost. My life changed within a matter of days. Thing that used to be comfortable, now changed to awkwardness. Jealousy set in. Calls to my Mother do not happen. Really being happy with my friend seems mediocre. I try to figure out why I look at life like this, and I just cant seem to put my finger on it.
Two of the most amazing people in my life are entering into relationships, which make them happy. The jealousy I feel makes me unhappy. I am not jealous of their relationships...... I guess I am jealous, that I may not be as important in their lives as I once was. Thats what scares me the most.
I hope time will help me.
We all change, life changes. I really dont think there is anything that we can do to prepare for it. The only thing that we can do is expect it.
I really love them both. Sometimes we just need to pull away. That is where we can find our true feelings.
As you might have seen from my title, I recently had a life altering experience just happen to me. I was shopping, as usual, when I got a call from my Mother. I used to speak to my mother everyday almost to keep in contact and to talk. She knew me better than anyone else and still probably does today. This talk was a bit different. Seeing as my mother was coming to visit me in a matter of days, I was still trying to help sort out arrangements and what was going to happen. However, my comfortable conversation turned into the start of something I wasnt expecting.
My mother informed me that she was getting married. If I would have been driving I probably would have wrecked. If I was eating I probably would have choked. All I could do was stay silent, as my mother told me what she was doing. Of course, this was the first time that I had even heard she was in a relationship or that she was even dating someone. For some reason, I always seem to miss out on stuff with my family. Anyway, trying to gain all the composure I had, I quickly made an excuse to end the call and tried to pretend I was not bothered.
As I tried go through the rest of the days, I sobbed, I was angry, hurt, I prayed and I tried to process what I had actually just heard. I spoke to my friends, listened to their opinions and tried to allow myself to understand. But to no avail.
I avoided my Mother and calling her for the next two days, until finally I had to speak to her because she was coming the next day to visit. I never mentioned the conversation we had, how I felt or what was going through my head.
The day arrived. I thought I had myself under control. My friend and I had to go pick her up from the airport. It is always good seeing my Mom, we did some more shopping and then started back to my home. During our community conversation, she started mentioning the honeymoon she was taking, stuff that her beau did with his life, some stories about My father and what was to come with her life. Again, the feelings felt before came up, I shut down, silently I sat in the back seat. Wishing that I could just get away from the situation at hand and leave.
The weekend passed by, finally the inevitable conversation about the marriage came up again. This time we were alone, I was able to voice my opinion. As I said what I was feeling, my mother cried. However, it finally felt good to be able to say what I was feeling. My opinion didnt matter, because she had already made her mind up. But it was good to be able to say it out loud so I could hear what I was feeling. Finally, we both sat there in silence for about 10 minutes. At that point I realized, that this was the turning point in my Mother/Son relationship. It no longer would be the same.
My best friend also just met a new girl. He has fallen head over heels with her. It has been less than a week, however you would think that they were dating for years. I am not saying this is a bad thing. It is very sudden and soon, but when someone comes along and you just click, then you cant really hold back.
With work schedules and time management, they arent able to be around each other too much, so when they are, its a very physical relationship. If you know my past, then you understand I am not a very touchy feely type of guy. I like being in a relationship, but I am definitely not one who is good with pubic displays of affection or anything along those lines. These guys are okay with it. Now there is nothing wrong with it, and I am not calling anyone out on this, I merely need this to tie into the point I am proving. I know my friend. I know his heart. I know his standard. I love him. But, this relationship has caused stress in my head.
After evaluating myself, the week I just had and my life. I am pretty sure I know the reasons why I was stressed, and how my Mothers situation has tied in.
I am a man that likes patterns. I like having a groove, a schedule and maintained lifestyle. I enjoy being around people I love, in any situation. I am definitely a creature of habit. I do not like change. Yeah, crazy to believe, but I hate it. I like to have loyal friendships and solid relationships. I can hang out with my friends for hours and hours everyday and not get sick of it. When I am with people I care about, then I do not worry about what is going on in the my life.
I have had a great pattern of this for the past months, then within one week it all started falling apart. My stress level went through the roof, my emotions took toll and I have felt so alone and lost. My life changed within a matter of days. Thing that used to be comfortable, now changed to awkwardness. Jealousy set in. Calls to my Mother do not happen. Really being happy with my friend seems mediocre. I try to figure out why I look at life like this, and I just cant seem to put my finger on it.
Two of the most amazing people in my life are entering into relationships, which make them happy. The jealousy I feel makes me unhappy. I am not jealous of their relationships...... I guess I am jealous, that I may not be as important in their lives as I once was. Thats what scares me the most.
I hope time will help me.
We all change, life changes. I really dont think there is anything that we can do to prepare for it. The only thing that we can do is expect it.
I really love them both. Sometimes we just need to pull away. That is where we can find our true feelings.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Answered Prayers from the Wrong Guy
Growing up I was definitely not the best looking person. Well at least I thought so, ask my mother and she would say I was the cutest baby and then........well then I grew up. Its understandable, I mean, there are very few unattractive babies in the world. Most of them have their own center of cuteness or at least love-able qualities that we like. But all in all, I was a cute baby, then hit puberty and then wires went crazy I suppose. I suffered from a low self esteem mind and started becoming an over weight teenager. Acne hit then hit me, hair came from places that I did not even know I had and being surrounded by women in my house just made things even more awkward. I guess everyone goes through this stage and they feel the same ways I did. But I never saw myself being anything but what I was at that time. I would crave to be one of the cool kids or like a movie star that was attractive and desired. I yearned to have a beautiful physic and all the style in the world. I prayed to be a good looking person, that had everything that good looking people had. But it seemed like it never would happen.
As I got older, slowly those desires just started to change. I started just being okay with who I was. I started losing weight, my acne scars slowly started peeling away and with that my self esteem started to rise. I was feeling better about myself. I started to feel hopeful for the future. Eventually I learned that it was okay to be different or unique, it was finally freedom.
For the past 4-5 years I have been in the modeling industry. I have worked for many agencies as a runway and print model. It is something that I never thought would happen. Thinking back on it now, I would have laughed. But it happened. Of course there are a lot of details in between the years to get me where I am now. But thats not what this topic is supposed to be about. This is about a prayer that I once had that I would have in my heart all the time. I wanted to make it in the world. I wanted to be in the spotlight. I wanted to be a calendar model, I wanted to have my own printed ads broadcasted everywhere. I wanted it all. Then it happened.
I was at work when I received an email from the owner of "Mormon Missionaries" calendar. For those of you who do not know what this is, it is basically a calendar that shows models who were once Mormon missionaries in a more sexual way. It has been published for the past 3 years and is a very popular calendar. It is something that I would have gotten paid a great deal of money on and would have launched another side of my modeling career to a new level. However, the drawback would have been an immediately dismissal from the LDS Church. Sadly, even I still questioned whether or not this would be something that I would like to do. It was probably the carnal man that wanted to do it, but it was the internal struggle with myself that really troubled me.
I spoke with some of my best friends. I got their feedback. I learned and understood their views. I was shocked to see who thought it would be good idea and who didnt. But there was one friend that was so mortified and offended that I would consider the show, that it made me realize that I needed to evaluate my life. He opened up my spiritual eyes and helped me understand my future.
I turned the offer down.
A week later, the owner came back to me. He offered me the June page of the 2011 calendar, a larger sum of money that any other model, plus a 10% commission on every calendar sold. The estimated price of all of this would have been around $10-12k at the end of the year.
Thankfully, I had the strength again to, thank him for his time and turn the offer down.
This dream of having a calendar page came just like I prayed for. But maybe my answered prayer came from the wrong guy. Satan really will try everything to get you to do something that seems amazing, but in the end will be your destruction. I am so grateful for the place I am in with my life right now. I am grateful for a friend who opened up my eyes.
I can see my life in a better camera lense. Its a more eternal and promising shot.
As I got older, slowly those desires just started to change. I started just being okay with who I was. I started losing weight, my acne scars slowly started peeling away and with that my self esteem started to rise. I was feeling better about myself. I started to feel hopeful for the future. Eventually I learned that it was okay to be different or unique, it was finally freedom.
For the past 4-5 years I have been in the modeling industry. I have worked for many agencies as a runway and print model. It is something that I never thought would happen. Thinking back on it now, I would have laughed. But it happened. Of course there are a lot of details in between the years to get me where I am now. But thats not what this topic is supposed to be about. This is about a prayer that I once had that I would have in my heart all the time. I wanted to make it in the world. I wanted to be in the spotlight. I wanted to be a calendar model, I wanted to have my own printed ads broadcasted everywhere. I wanted it all. Then it happened.
I was at work when I received an email from the owner of "Mormon Missionaries" calendar. For those of you who do not know what this is, it is basically a calendar that shows models who were once Mormon missionaries in a more sexual way. It has been published for the past 3 years and is a very popular calendar. It is something that I would have gotten paid a great deal of money on and would have launched another side of my modeling career to a new level. However, the drawback would have been an immediately dismissal from the LDS Church. Sadly, even I still questioned whether or not this would be something that I would like to do. It was probably the carnal man that wanted to do it, but it was the internal struggle with myself that really troubled me.
I spoke with some of my best friends. I got their feedback. I learned and understood their views. I was shocked to see who thought it would be good idea and who didnt. But there was one friend that was so mortified and offended that I would consider the show, that it made me realize that I needed to evaluate my life. He opened up my spiritual eyes and helped me understand my future.
I turned the offer down.
A week later, the owner came back to me. He offered me the June page of the 2011 calendar, a larger sum of money that any other model, plus a 10% commission on every calendar sold. The estimated price of all of this would have been around $10-12k at the end of the year.
Thankfully, I had the strength again to, thank him for his time and turn the offer down.
This dream of having a calendar page came just like I prayed for. But maybe my answered prayer came from the wrong guy. Satan really will try everything to get you to do something that seems amazing, but in the end will be your destruction. I am so grateful for the place I am in with my life right now. I am grateful for a friend who opened up my eyes.
I can see my life in a better camera lense. Its a more eternal and promising shot.
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