This past week has been one of the most stressful, dramatic, and emotional weeks of my life. I have been trying to write this post for the past few days, but just havent been able to find the right things to say, to express how I feel. So here it goes.
As you might have seen from my title, I recently had a life altering experience just happen to me. I was shopping, as usual, when I got a call from my Mother. I used to speak to my mother everyday almost to keep in contact and to talk. She knew me better than anyone else and still probably does today. This talk was a bit different. Seeing as my mother was coming to visit me in a matter of days, I was still trying to help sort out arrangements and what was going to happen. However, my comfortable conversation turned into the start of something I wasnt expecting.
My mother informed me that she was getting married. If I would have been driving I probably would have wrecked. If I was eating I probably would have choked. All I could do was stay silent, as my mother told me what she was doing. Of course, this was the first time that I had even heard she was in a relationship or that she was even dating someone. For some reason, I always seem to miss out on stuff with my family. Anyway, trying to gain all the composure I had, I quickly made an excuse to end the call and tried to pretend I was not bothered.
As I tried go through the rest of the days, I sobbed, I was angry, hurt, I prayed and I tried to process what I had actually just heard. I spoke to my friends, listened to their opinions and tried to allow myself to understand. But to no avail.
I avoided my Mother and calling her for the next two days, until finally I had to speak to her because she was coming the next day to visit. I never mentioned the conversation we had, how I felt or what was going through my head.
The day arrived. I thought I had myself under control. My friend and I had to go pick her up from the airport. It is always good seeing my Mom, we did some more shopping and then started back to my home. During our community conversation, she started mentioning the honeymoon she was taking, stuff that her beau did with his life, some stories about My father and what was to come with her life. Again, the feelings felt before came up, I shut down, silently I sat in the back seat. Wishing that I could just get away from the situation at hand and leave.
The weekend passed by, finally the inevitable conversation about the marriage came up again. This time we were alone, I was able to voice my opinion. As I said what I was feeling, my mother cried. However, it finally felt good to be able to say what I was feeling. My opinion didnt matter, because she had already made her mind up. But it was good to be able to say it out loud so I could hear what I was feeling. Finally, we both sat there in silence for about 10 minutes. At that point I realized, that this was the turning point in my Mother/Son relationship. It no longer would be the same.
My best friend also just met a new girl. He has fallen head over heels with her. It has been less than a week, however you would think that they were dating for years. I am not saying this is a bad thing. It is very sudden and soon, but when someone comes along and you just click, then you cant really hold back.
With work schedules and time management, they arent able to be around each other too much, so when they are, its a very physical relationship. If you know my past, then you understand I am not a very touchy feely type of guy. I like being in a relationship, but I am definitely not one who is good with pubic displays of affection or anything along those lines. These guys are okay with it. Now there is nothing wrong with it, and I am not calling anyone out on this, I merely need this to tie into the point I am proving. I know my friend. I know his heart. I know his standard. I love him. But, this relationship has caused stress in my head.
After evaluating myself, the week I just had and my life. I am pretty sure I know the reasons why I was stressed, and how my Mothers situation has tied in.
I am a man that likes patterns. I like having a groove, a schedule and maintained lifestyle. I enjoy being around people I love, in any situation. I am definitely a creature of habit. I do not like change. Yeah, crazy to believe, but I hate it. I like to have loyal friendships and solid relationships. I can hang out with my friends for hours and hours everyday and not get sick of it. When I am with people I care about, then I do not worry about what is going on in the my life.
I have had a great pattern of this for the past months, then within one week it all started falling apart. My stress level went through the roof, my emotions took toll and I have felt so alone and lost. My life changed within a matter of days. Thing that used to be comfortable, now changed to awkwardness. Jealousy set in. Calls to my Mother do not happen. Really being happy with my friend seems mediocre. I try to figure out why I look at life like this, and I just cant seem to put my finger on it.
Two of the most amazing people in my life are entering into relationships, which make them happy. The jealousy I feel makes me unhappy. I am not jealous of their relationships...... I guess I am jealous, that I may not be as important in their lives as I once was. Thats what scares me the most.
I hope time will help me.
We all change, life changes. I really dont think there is anything that we can do to prepare for it. The only thing that we can do is expect it.
I really love them both. Sometimes we just need to pull away. That is where we can find our true feelings.
